Hey There, Sports Fans!
Miss Torrid Takes Advantage of the Home-Team
Posted March 25th, 2007
Well my busy beavers, my box hasn't been this full since I was dating the Argos! I hope you've been getting tested as often as you've been testing me. However, I'm not complaining. There's nothing like curling up with a bottle of wine and a hooker to read about your perverted happenings. So keep filling me up and I'll keep pouring it out!
TERM OF THE WEEKA is for Axillary Intercourse: No I'm not talking about your gun, guns or any of your other heavy machinery. This is when a man takes his speed stick and thrusts it into his partner's armpit. He continues to give it to your pits like he would between your tits until he's Degree Heat ready. Now there's a secret that's strong enough for a man!
On with the juice!
Dear Miss Torrid,
Man, I did it this time! I was on a date with a girl, and I was thinking of how I saw in a movie once where if you're on a date with a girl you should, like, handle your own business before you go out so you have good judgment. So, I was on this date and I was like "oh no I forgot, better do it now", but we were at a football game. Now everyone at the football game is really mad. How do I smooth that one over?
Not-so-Private Peter (P.S. My "game" was on the big TV)
Dear Private,
Well Rookie, would you judge me if I said I was mildly aroused? I say this because the thought of someone polishing their Heisman on the jumbo-tron makes me want to be their next touchdown. Did I mention I'm quite close to the Argos?
However, you were on a date with someone who may not appreciate you kicking your own field goals on the big screen. Although it is a good idea to give yourself a few warm-up tosses before the big game, throwing your pigskin around in the stadium in front of your date and thousands of homophobic football fans is just bad planning.
Next time (because I sense with you there will be a next time) at least use the bathroom. And get into a stall. And take her with you. If you can get down and dirty in one of the dirtiest places on Earth you'll earn yourself a Polaroid on my "Humped and Jumped" wall. If you're lucky, by the end of the night you'll be trying to throw a jumbo dog down her back 40.
Miss Torrid
Dear Miss Torrid,
My boyfriend and I went out with our friends on Saint Patrick's Day. We got drunk like most people did that night and went back to our apartment. When we got home, we started fooling around and he asked me if he could give me an Emerald Necklace. I wasn't sure what it was but he said it wouldn't hurt so I let him. So as he's pumping away he gets this weird look on his face and then throws up all over me. The thing is HE KEPT GOING. Now it turns out that he had the best orgasm of his life and wants to keep doing this. How do I change his mind? And what's an Emerald Necklace?
Avoiding The Mean Green Barfing Machine
Dear Mean Green,
Man, you Irish and your Catholic self-oppression. As someone who likes to be wet no matter what colour or texture the substance may be, I think you should be honored that he would share such an intimate bodily function with you and think nothing of it.
Unfortunately for both of you, you're not me and he's not my slave. I guess I can see how you'd be offended, but you have to understand that once that gun goes off, the horse starts running and doesn't stop until it's crossed the finish line. You've opened his eyes to a world so few of us know and enjoy, and the possibilities are endless. You could even feed him an assortment of food colouring and turn your body into a canvass where he can really Jackson his Pollock.
At this point you either have to indulge his digestive deluge or move along. Maybe you can distract him with some multi-colored jewelry, but at this point I think the cat's out of the bag and it's going to be hard to find a hairball remedy that's going to stop him from coughing up on your carpet.
The choice is yours, Sweetheart, and I'll gladly benefit from either outcome. Send Polaroids or send him over to my place. Either way, I'll be enjoying some low art.
SINcerely,Miss Torrid