A special St. Paddies edition.
Posted February 25th, 2007
Oh blessed calendar, you bring me yet another romptastic holiday. I’m as sweaty as a priest at an orgy anticipating this week, when we celebrate the drunkest day of the year: Saint Patrick’s Day. This holiday guarantees a meat market full of hopefuls looking for a Saint Paddy’s paddling. With this event pending, I can only imagine the sloppy, Guinness-inspired outercourse, intercourse and allovercourse that will take place. And as I imagine this, I will try my best to help you get the best leprechaun loving you can by answering your glut of slut smut. On with the lesson!
Term of the Week
In honor of this special holiday I have taken it upon myself to make up a term to fit our theme. So this week wish your sweetie a “top ‘o the mornin to ya” with:
THE EMERALD NECKLACE: This term will take some preparation, so it’s only for those men who are truly dedicated to their kinky Irish roots. Every day leading up to March 17th, you must consume eight glasses of water a day. However, these eight glasses of water must contain enough green food colouring to fill an anus. Drink this amount of coloured water until Saint Paddy’s Day and find yourself a beer-filled lady or man to get naked and frisky with; the drunker the better, because this is all you, baby! Now that you’ve got your naked partner, start oscillating your Oscar Mayer until you’re feeling that special buzz. When you’re about to cast your lucky charms, aim for the neck! When you have regained consciousness, check out the liquid jewelry your partner’s sporting: if you drank enough food colouring you’ll notice the green tinge that is your partners “Emerald Necklace.”
Any Questions?
Dear Miss Torrid,
St. Patrick's Day is only a week away, and I'd like to do something special with my girlfriend. Our typical go see the parade, come home, drink a bottle of Jameson's and have sloppy, drunk sex has always been a good standby, but it's getting old. What do you suggest?
Sincerely,
Bored from Belfast
Dear BB,
You wrote this simply to soak my potato sack, didn’t you? You’re asking me to list skin smacking suggestions? Done, done and DONE! Thanks for that. On to the advice: first, I suggest not leaving alcohol out of it all together. A little booze goes a long way when it comes to sexploration. Try throwing on some Leprechaun garb and searching for her pot of gold. Or better yet, get a four leaf clover tattoo and make her look for it. I suggest somewhere that requires scrotalingus. Another way to spice it up is to change the location. Why not hit up your local Irish Pub, hike up her Lein-croich and give her the luck of the Irish. The keg’s the limit, so go for it!
Good luck!
Miss Torrid
I am a confident and proud "little person," a trait which many women are unwilling to see past unless it's a fetish of theirs. I take what I can get, but I'm getting tired of being dressed up as a baby and spanked.
I find St Paddy's is the one time of year I can count on getting a date and scoring: it's pretty much a sure thing, but it's just more of the same. As exciting as it can be, dressing up as a Leprechaun and being chased around by a randy dame who's screaming "I'll get your lucky charms" is so demeaning. In short, I'm tired of being a toddler, a leprechaun, a Christmas elf, a Mr.Tooth Fairy... How do I break out of the roles I've been type-cast in?
Yours,
Tiny and Tired
Dear Tiny Tim,
First of all, did you mean to use the phrase “in short?” Because that’s hilarious. It makes me think of Leprechauns, toddlers, Christmas Elves, and of course a Mr. Tooth Fairy. But about getting you out of type cast roles… you can’t. You should feel lucky you’re getting any action.
I’m sorry to say it, but if you want some taint, embrace the Saint! However, you shouldn’t be the one doing all the dressing up. Pick out some dream team outfits and get yourself a Mrs. Paddy. You can use being a Midgie to get to her midgies. Plus, you can pull off a 34.5 versus a 69. Not many people can say that. So go get ‘em, tiger cub, and send me those carnal carnival polaroids.
CHEERS!
Miss Torrid