Filthy! But Genuinely Arousing.
Posted February 25th, 2007
We meat again and I’m extremely wet this time. Do you know why? Because I’m still high on V-Day. AKA Virgin Day, Venereal Day, Vagina Day, Vacuum Day: it’s been called many things. Regardless, it is one of my favourite holidays, and not because of the cinnamon hearts, the flowers, the edible gitch, the handcuffs, whips and chains. No, I love V-Day because everyone you know is looking to get some. Luckily, I know how to help you get it, so let’s keep the smut cumming and keep the month of love full of lust.
Term of the Week
Staying with our theme I bring you:
Candy Maker: This is when a woman or a man paddles the robin for another man until he explodes his ecoli-pie. After you’ve successfully finished gripping and ripping you get out that tongue of yours and eat it up. It doesn’t matter how, it just matters how much. How much you ask? All of it! Suck up that sweet tart and enjoy the stomach ache.
Now let’s all have some knowledge, shall we?
Dear Miss Torrid,
If you take your junk out publicly for a lady and she gets all mad, how do you smooth that one over?
Peeping Peter
Well Pete, that’s a hard-on. Did she ask you to take it out? I’m assuming she didn’t if she got mad. Also, if she got mad it couldn’t have been all that impressive. The only time a guy should drop and flop in public is for a) money, b) if someone’s about to snog your log or c) if you see me walking down the street and are auditioning to be one of my many slaves. If you’re auditioning, you better be damn impressive and that flop better be giving me a standing ovation!
But I’m getting off track. You made the mistake, so how do we fix it? I say, tell her to stop being a prude and take off her shirt. Tits for tat! Just tell her that one of her friends mentioned to you that her loins ached for a man who was confident enough to whip it out in public, and you wanted to be that man. Play the victim in the fight and that’ll take you to playing the victim later on in a sexy, naked way.
Miss Torrid
Dear Miss Torrid,
I was talking online to this girl very briefly, when she told me she was naked. I didn’t believe her so I asked her to webcam and sure enough there she was all naked and shit. How do I get that from being on webcam to being on my face?
Rude, Crude and Nude
Dear Dude,
I applaud this woman/girl for loving her gifts enough to send them via the web straight to your horny little lap. I retract my applause for you because you used the phrase “naked and shit.” What are you, twelve?
Regardless, I’m not one to deny another person sexual healing so I’ll indulge you and you in turn shall indulge me with polaroids. ALWAYS SEND POLAROIDS.
Butt regarding your problem, I suggest a little sexy cyber antics. Don’t buy the whole cow just yet: milk that dairy train dry and verbally ejaculate all over her face. The sex-alphabet is endless, my friend. Only online can you get away with saying “I want to bang you like a shithouse door in a windstorm” and get a positive response. Once you’ve jumped those hurdles, you can try out the meating up and eating out. When your cyber babe is your ball-busting babe, you write me back and I’ll teach you what it means to bark at the ape.
Miss Torrid