Miss Torrid
Sexy sex advice for sex-crazed sex fiends of sex.
Posted January 28th, 2007
Greetings fellow pimps and hoes. I’m sure you’re all getting used to the titillating words of Dr. Smoothmoves…mmm, I’m rubbing my nipples just thinking about him. However, I think it’s important to have a woman’s opinion from time-to-time. It’s especially good to have a gentle, quiet, dirty whore with a slutmouth’s opinion. And good news! I’m that whore. I’m Miss Torrid and I’ll be your female outlook on life and your new wet dream. Keep emailing drsmoothmoves (at) mondomagazine.net and address it to who you desire. So, enough giving it to the dog, on with the questions.
TERM OF THE MONTHHere is where I will open your eyes and your legs to the wonderful possibilities that await you and what to call them. I’ll start you off gently. We’ll play a little — just the tip — see how it feels:
BUKKAKE: This is when a woman is showered, and I mean showered, with the testosterone icing of many men. Japanese legend says that an unfaithful woman would be tied up in the centre of town and the men of the town would let loose the love juice to show their distaste. Taste? Tied up? Shots on the face? Sounds like Saturday night to me, but call it a legend if you will.
And now to apply our new knowledge with some practical advice:
Dear Miss Torrid,
My boyfriend is really into blowing it on my face. Every time we’re involved in foreplay and I try to deter him, he manages to get me on my knees and it ends up on my face. Why does he want to do this? Should I be offended? How do I get him to switch it up?
Sick of Semen
Dear Sicko,
Let me explain one thing to you. Your man loves power and even more so loves overpowering you. Expelling your conjugal cream cheese onto someone’s face is like pissing on a fire hydrant. You’re his territory and you are marked with a scarlet pearl necklace and earrings to match. It’s flattering in a submissive, sex-worker sort of way. I personally enjoy a good testicle milk facial every now and then, but not for every meal. I say you put on your big sexticles and throw him on his back, straddle his face, and drown him with your estrogen poon-ami. If he simply won’t have it, he’s probably gay. Look on the bright side, now you can turn down the facials and turn up the double penetration station.
Miss Torrid
Dear Miss Torrid,
I got out of a lengthy relationship about six months ago and decided I was ready to date again, but I couldn’t find anyone. I was wishing for someone and before I knew it I had racked up four different girls. I’m having trouble juggling all of them. Should I cut it down to one? I’m not sure I can handle them all at once, but sex with four different women is pretty awesome! What do you say?
Gambler Extraordinaire
Dear Extra Ordinary,
I’m confused. The only problem I’m seeing here is that you don’t have enough women. You’re not spreading their legs thin enough. I like to think of you actually juggling all of these women naked and jiggling this way and that, but this isn’t about my fantasy.
This is, however, about more than half the population’s “thing to do before they die.” Of course you should keep this going. You have eight happy fun hills and four gristle grippers. I say up those numbers so you’ll have a shake and bake for every mood. The more you score the more of a man you are. I also say you should throw in a man or two and Brokeback it up. If you’re too much of a pussy fart for that you could just tell a couple of the girls about each other and hope it turns into a sexy balling bonanza. What do I say? Set up that piston shot and enjoy the spasm chasm!
Miss Torrid