The Ninja's Guide to Dating
OR The Dating Guide for Pretend Ninjas
Manipulator? I Never Touched Her!
By Danielle Zacarias
Posted March 25th, 2007
Listen carefully, because I am only going to say this once: love is not about flowers and candy and cards. Love is about mind control. What we have come to call "romance" is merely a soft veneer for the true, darker nature of love. Love is a contest of wills whereby two people seek to dominate each other and the most immoral wins. Ninjas know this. Few others, save for the bravest among us, dare admit that. If you are one of those rare and fortunate brave, read on. If you have what it takes to be a ninja, or at least pretend that you are, I offer these ancient teachings. But if you are one of the weak, if you know you will falter, then turn your gaze away from this page and take solace in your ignorance and chocolate and teddy bears. I will try not to think less of you. For those who remain, I will teach you how to win in this greatest of battles and emerge clothed in glory, victorious and in masterful and in complete control.
Show off your grappling hook
Leave it somewhere in your car or in your bedroom and make it so that it looks as though you forgot it was there. Doubtless they will ask you why you have such a thing. Grappling hooks are sexy but not many people have them. Their curiosity will drive them mad. You should tell them something along the lines of: "Oh that? UhÉ look there are some things about me I canÕt tell you right now. I promise I will tell you at the right time." After this throw away the grappling hook so that they never see it again. Anytime they ask you about it, be evasive: it will never be the "right" time. This has the effect of making them want something from you, namely your trust. They cannot take your trust, they must earn it and they will try hard to. This gives you what I like to call leverage.
Maximize outcomes
Whenever you are about to do something really nice for them, act as though you are about to tell them something awful. This means that whatever nice thing you do for them will seem ten times nicer than it would have if they were expecting it. As a result you will have to work less. The majority of your effort will be expended in keeping up the impression that something bad is about to happen and finding new ways to trick them each time. By doing this to them you will be able to gain control of their emotions. You will come to possess the key to their misery and their happiness, and they will become dependent on you.
Name no one, say very little
Remember, your friends do not have names. They should at all times be referred to as "my friend" or "my colleague". Also, if you can, try as hard as you can to leave gender out of the conversation. If you are asked to reveal who your "friends" and "colleagues" are, say "You don't know them, what difference does it make?" or, if you are feeling particularly creative you might try, "I can't talk about such things. It is for your own good not to know." Remember also to be as vague as you can about where you go. You do not go to the mall to buy Captain America action figures. You "go out." This saves you from having to deal with any fighting that may arise out of the company you keep or the places you go. On the other hand, if they are foolish enough to reveal names and places, you will be able to pick fights with them about these things. This will put you in a position of power because you are always "the wronged one" and they are always "the screw-up". If they are mad at you they are really crazy. If for some reason they still find something to be mad at you over, do not lose heart. Pretend to listen, then slowly become extremely and visibly agitated. Pace if you can. At the perfect moment tell them how hard you are trying but that it is really impossible to deal with all their crazy demands/ actions/ thoughts. A good one to use is: crazy insecurities. Chalk up any anxieties or problems they are having to insecurity and you have already won. It makes their anger and sorrow their problem, not yours. Never let them see you bleed. Real ninjas don't bleed. Do not cry; do not show any strong emotion other than displeasure or, occasionally, happiness when they've done something extravagant for you. Emotions are for them. Not you.
Familiarize them with loss
You are busy. You are not always available (unless you want to be). You are also, because you have hardened yourself and trained your mind, not afraid to lose them. They are, however, afraid to lose you if you have done your job properly. Remind them of this. Break up with them at the slightest sign of disobedience, but take them back if they please or placate you enough. If you manage this, you will have, at this point, won the battle and you can congratulate yourself. You can never let your guard down — vigilance is key — but from this point on you can content yourself with knowing that you hold all the cards and have attained for yourself what I like to call a love slave. And what about the real ninjas? At this point you may be wondering what real ninjas do if this is what people pretending to be ninjas do. It's so simple. Real ninjas don't fall in love. They don't even pretend.