Will You Put a Leash on That Fucking Thing?
Chariots of Wire, Pt2
By Daniel Ian Taylor
Posted January 21st, 2007
Plucking out the final keystrokes of last week’s edition of WYPALOTFT, I leaned back into my office chair with a self-satisfied smirk as I hit “send” and it was whisked away into the vastness of the internet.
“Now,” I muttered aloud, swirling the ice in my whisky tumbler, “to wait for the accolades to come pouring in.”
While the deluge of letters over the last week has been nothing short of overwhelming, I must admit that I was somewhat disappointed and genuinely bewildered by the sparseness of the accolades. As my overflowing inbox will attest to, last week’s discussion of strollers and their place (or obvious lack thereof) on the public transit system has left readers with as many questions as it has answers.
Indeed, many a worried parent wrote in imploringly, asking “But what can I do?”
Though I work very hard to make this column a ray of warming guidance in the inky shitstorm that is parenthood, it seems my suggestion of “either carry the damn thing or put it in a backpack” was a tad simplistic for most sensibilities. Hindsight being 20/20, I admit that I should have offered a little more when it came time to give advice.
Few of you disagreed that strollers have no place on our subways and buses, and many of you went on to say that they should be made altogether illegal. This is a fine suggestion, and I really do like it.
But I don’t think it’s realistic in its practical implications. Although a beautiful thought, a world without strollers is one we’ll have to set aside for the time being. As long as there’s a middle-aged woman who’s rapidly gained 30 pounds from birthing a child, she’s going to look for something with wheels in which she can set it down and push it around. The stroller, despite the horrific growth and evolution it has undergone in recent years, is as much a part of our society as the toothbrush and the shoelace.
Let’s not fool ourselves, hmm? There are going to be strollers as long as there are babies for them to carry, sidewalks for them to crowd, feet for them to run over. And as long as this is so, there’s going to be some damn-fool twit who thinks that hauling them onto a bus or down two flights of stairs onto a subway platform is not at all inconvenient to other people. There’s going to be a lot of them. There always has been. There are right now.
So. If you absolutely insist on wresting a stroller onto the TTC, and clearly you do, I only ask two things of you:
One. Don’t run the fucking thing into my shins. I know you’re trying to get onto the bus or off the bus or from the front of the subway car to the back, and I’m trying my damnedest to get out of the way but it’s crowded and there’s not much room to manoeuvre because some douche bag (and I’m not naming names or pointing fingers) brought a god damned stroller along for the ride. Fuck off already.
Two. And this is even more important, because this is what really burns my toast. Don’t look at me like I’m supposed to feel sorry for you. I’ll move out of the way and I’ll give up my seat and I’ll even help you lift it up the stairs or off the bus.
But don’t give me that broken look, that “poor me, I have to deal with this bloody big stroller and it’s so hard” face. You’re the one who decided to drag a go-kart onto a packed bus. You can feel as bad as you want to about it, and you probably should because it was a really stupid idea, but don’t try to get any looks of commiseration out of me. It’s just not going to happen. I hate you so much.
Hmph. I guess there’s nowhere to go from there but away; my piece is said for another week. I’ve already told you why you shouldn’t drag your babywagons onto the TTC, and I already know that you’re going to do it anyways. I can’t stop you, and our discomfort and inconvenience is going to continue to pave the way for your laziness. So let’s maintain a quiet truce: Just don’t be a complete arse about it and I’ll probably be able to keep myself from wrenching the damn thing out of your hands and shoving it out the bus door as hard as I can. Probably.