I'm a Teach You to Dirty Talk!
Learn how to say it while spraying it
By Adam Bourret
Posted June 4th, 2007.
Hey everybody, get ready for some personal talk. And not boring personal talk like "I'm feeling so stressed out," and "boo hoo, I've got the herp." I'm talkin' sexy personal talk.
Some men brag about the size of the penises. Others call attention to their smooth, muscular bodies. Others like to mention the quality of their skill sets, while still others insist upon mentioning their numbers. I don't think I can brag about any of these things, but I do bring something to the table that most men do not.
I can dirty talk. I'm a real blabbermouth.
I think people generally avoid dirty talk because they're worried they might say the right thing. It's certainly no requirement, and grunting and groaning works just as well. But in the interest of spicing things up, have you considered breaking the silence? It's a skill you can learn. I even made you a list of pointers.
Keeping it terse — Think of words you know are sexy and apply them. Be uncreative. "Suck my cock" sends a clearer message than "munch my pole." Call a spade a spade and don't elaborate. "Fuck me" is better than "fuck me like an animal." "Fuck me like an animal" can only lead to confusion. Your partner may think "but how would an animal fuck? What sort of animal? Does this mean we're not fucking like animals right now?"
Sexy ambivalence — You can only say "suck my cock" so many times. But what if you don't have anything new to mention? Develop a list of standby phrases that you can drop at any time. These sexy fallbacks come into two categories Ð "You are pleasing me" ("yes," "oh God," "that's it," "oh whatsyourname") and "I would like this sexual encounter to continue and not necessarily change" ("more," "so good," "do it"). You can also smile, because why shouldn't you?
Conversation stoppers — Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, you have a fantastic idea that isn't completely reciprocated. Like, oh say, "cum on my face." "Cum on my face" is either really hot or really gross depending solely on your partner's reaction, so don't just put that nasty shit out there. Get yourself in position and see if they assume theirs, then make your big suggestion. As it turns out, some people don't want to cum on your face. Those people are fools, but they also have legal rights.
Tell Ôem a joke — Oooh, but tell it at the right time. Sex is weird that way. What's funny now may not be funny ten minutes later. It's fun to say "fuck me" using the voice of Phyllis Diller. But no one wants to hear from La Diller when they're actually fucking you. On a completely unrelated note, Phyllis Diller came to my hometown to do a comedy show and ran somebody over with her car.
Don't talk about your ass / vagina — Even on the cleanest day of your life, your ass is still full of poo. And no matter how many monologues you've written, there is still no enticing word to describe your vagina. Sometimes you can say "hole," but that's as far as you can go. Just say "me." Fuck me. Lick me. Finger me. They'll know what's going on.
Realize how silly this is — Giggle quietly to yourself. Why on earth are you saying these things? It's ridiculous is what it is, completely ridiculous. But it's my thing.