Changing hearts and minds with the phonetic alphabet for a life you never imagined.
By Daniel Taylor
Posted February 25th, 2007
In this modern world of brittle mobile phone connections, strange accents and slurred words, a little clarification is often needed. Sometimes, spelling it out to someone just isn't enough, because even the letters you're saying aren't at all clear to them, and you have to remove yourself yet another degree from what you were trying to say in the first place.
Enter the great clarifier of characters, the phonetic alphabet. Many people use given names (M like Mary, D like David, etc), others use the Greek alphabet (Beta, Gamma, etc).
Perhaps the most popular and widely-accepted set is the NATO Phonetic Alphabet, which is extremely effective and a lot of fun to use. You can almost feel the air whiz of the bullets flying past your ear as you yell "Foxtrot! Echo! Tango! Alfa!" into the phone while ordering a pizza.
I have done quite a few phone service jobs in my day, and I've heard as many phonetic alphabets as I have complaints about cell phone rates. Everybody's got one, and some of them are absolutely lousy, clearing nothing at all up.
"B as in Boy," a woman said to me the other day, at which I wondered "Couldn't that be a lot of things? Couldn't the words be confused just as easily as the letters? B as in Boy? Or C as in Coy? Or T as in Toy? Or P as in Poi?"
Today, a man said "B as in bee" to me. I had to laugh to keep from crying.
To this end, I offer the phonetic alphabet that I have developed over several years in thankless, low-paying, demeaning, soul-crushing phone jobs. I use it in my professional life, my everyday wheelings and dealings, my prank phone calls, and it is the best there is.
Not only have I managed to suss out a set of infallible words, words that don't sound like any other, I have also made a point of selecting words that are truly excellent in their own right. They aren't just good words to distinguish postal codes and funnily-spelled foreign names, they're just good words, words that I will never get tired of saying, that people will never get tired of hearing. These words that I say to complete strangers don't just make me better understood, they make me happier.
And so, Gentle Reader: Here is a present that will ease your troubled life and warm your soggy heart. It is my life's work. I give it to you because you are special, because I love you, because you are The One.
The Taylorian Phonetic Alphabet
Astroboy - An android made in the image of his creator's dead son, but with rockets for feet. One of the great cornerstones of animation's Golden Era, the 1980s, and a genuinely ghastly premise for a children's show.
Balaclava - A toque-mask combination that is most often worn while snowmobiling or while carrying dollar-sign bags out of a bank.
Comatose - A sustained period of involuntary unconsciousness. Usually occurs after an event of extreme stress or injury, or when an actress on All My Children becomes greedy and demands a raise.
Dolphinarium - An aquarium exclusively for dolphins or porpoises. Allows for one of the great exclamations of our time, "To the Dolphinarium!"
Eucalyptus - Used in cough syrups and lip balms, and absolutely crucial in keeping koala bears, which are otherwise violent, grumpy, dangerous little buggers, in a state of adorable sedation.
Frankenstein Monster - I sometimes just use "F as in Frankenstein", and sometimes go all out for "F as in Frankenberry", but I find "F as in Frankenstein Monster" to be a delightful mix of effective and awkward.
Grappling Hook - Probably the only thing I have consistently asked for for Christmas every year since I was six but have never received.
Hang-Glider - A semi-cool form of transportation that becomes totally awesome when equipped with grappling hooks.
Intoxicating - Calvin Klein's Escape and Jack Daniel's Sour Mash, the converse pincers that I use to pluck women from a crowded bar like stuffed toys in a claw-grab arcade game: awkwardly and with frustrating, repeated failure and shouted swear words.
Jolly Roger - A no-contest winner for best flag ever, anywhere.
Kaleidoscope - Probably the only thing I have gotten every Christmas since I was six but have never asked for.
Lollipop Guildsman - An official member of the Lollipop Guild. I have never seen that movie and am now too old to watch it with any measure of enjoyment, and many people find this appalling and sad. Fuck'em.
Mastodon - The Cadillac of elephants, and at the top of my list of "When they finally get their shit together with cloning, I am totally going to eat a _________".
Narcolepsy - A lot of fun to say and offers endless comedic scenarios, but actually a very grave medical condition with few viable cures.
Orwellian - Five years of University education in beautiful, unnecessary action. When someone had a postal code with an "O" in it I shivered a little with suppressed glee because in a minute I'd be able to show them that I am smarter than they are, even though they are the ones ordering the Chinese food and I'm the one entering things into a computer and hoping for an immediate, quick, unexpected, slightly-exotic death.
Penny-farthing - The old-time bikes with the big wheel, and another mode of transport that is improved dramatically by adding grappling hooks.
Quantum Leap - The show I am most afraid to admit I love, but am always surprisingly congratulated by others when I admit that I do.
Roundhouse Kick - By far the best of all the kicks.
Spider-man - I don't love him as much as some do, but there will always be a place in my heart for a sarcastic geek who sometimes kind of abuses his powers for fun and profit.
Tomfoolery - A great word that is simultaneously well- and poorly-chosen. When my father would yell at my friends and I for breaking something or falling on something or falling on something and breaking it, his shouts of "Will you quit your god damned tomfoolery" would only incite further giggles from us, which, at the age of eight, are impossible to cease or even stifle, no matter how hard someone is hitting you.
Ukulele - Probably the best Christmas present I didn't ask for but got anyway. Unlimited powers for quiet beauty and loud annoyance.
Vendetta - V used to be for Ventriloquist, but comic books change everything if you let them.
Winchester Rifle - Hands down, my weapon of choice for a zombie apocalypse or just swaggering around looking so fucking cool.
X-Ray Specs - When used in combination with grappling hooks, a penny-farthing and a Winchester rifle, people will make fun of you and then really, really wish that they hadn't.
Yorkshire Pudding - The second-best thing about having roast beef for dinner.
Zeppelin - Another ridiculous mode of transportation, but strangely badass if painted the right colour.
There it is. If you stayed until the end, you now have at your disposal one of the greatest tools imaginable for making a shitty job a lot of fun. Use it wisely.